Okay, if you're here for a fun, interesting blog post, this ain't it, come back later. This is going to be a much more serious and kind of intimate post, so if that makes you uncomfortable, this is your heads up. Also, it's going to be quite a bit longer, so if you're in, stick in for a long haul. Also also, I guess, a trigger warning for detailed descriptions of depression and suicidal thoughts - if that stuff isn't your cup of tea or triggers you in any way, you should probably stop now. Last chance to turn away ends here.
In The Catcher in the Rye while Holden and Mr. Antolini talk, Holden brings up how he doesn't feel school brings him anything. Mr. Antolini says that books can really help him, saying there are people who feel the same way as he does and have written about their experiences, and reading about them will help Holden not feel so alone. The Bell Jar honestly is that book for me.
By now we have established that Esther almost definitely has some sort of depression, and as we get deeper into the novel, it seems to be getting worse. More and more she struggles to get out of bed, feels herself disappearing, loses her self-identity, and just generally feels that she's living a lie. Not only that, but she doesn't seem to have the vocabulary or knowledge to realize exactly what is going on or what she can do to help herself. She knows something is off about herself, especially in terms of not being the "perfect girl" anymore, but she doesn't seem to realize how deeply it is affecting her. She feels she's being dragged along by people and life and doesn't know where she wants to go.
Honestly, I wish I had found this book earlier, or had been introduced to it earlier (thank you Mr. Mitchell for giving it to us) because just about everything Esther has gone through emotionally really resonated with me. It's a struggle every morning to get out of bed, to make myself pay attention in class, to do my homework, and just to keep up with everything. There's almost no motivation in me to keep going. Life feels like a treadmill that is on a setting that's a smidge too fast for me, but because I can just barely keep up, I can't make myself give up, and even if I take a break to regain my footing, the treadmill gets faster so when I try to get back on, it's even harder than before. So I keep going, getting closer and closer to breakdowns and hoping I make it through the day. It got to a point where I would just walk around aimlessly between activities in the evening and hope a car would hit me, or that I'd catch hypothermia and die, or I'd think about finding a high place to fall off of just to stop the joyless life that I had. Which seems selfish, but that's how it was.
The crazy part about all of this is that like Esther, I didn't realize this was depression for a long time. I thought it was just burnout, that it would go away with Thanksgiving break, then winter break, and with each break that follows. I thought that's just what junior year does to you. I realize now that it's not (and should not be) just junior year, but the onset of depression. I got a diagnosis about a month ago.
The even crazier part was that even after the diagnosis, I kind of doubted if I really have depression. That is, I questioned if it was all in my head, if I just wanted to feel special and this was my messed up brain's really messed up way of making myself feel different from everyone else. That is, until we started into this book.
Reading Esther's thoughts was like staring at myself in a mirror, if that mirror was a few years down the road for my life and about fifty years in the past. Nonetheless, hearing Esther struggle through the same things I struggle through and being able to clearly pinpoint them as signs of depression made me realize just how real the mental illness is. Plath does an amazing job with her descriptions on the thoughts one has with depression and just a general outlook on life. And of course she does; she went through it too.
But also, reading about Esther and her thoughts has given me a kind of way out, or a view of a way out. She alludes briefly to how this was "before" and how she has a life now, and that she did come out of the situation. After reading her thoughts and getting to know her, I really hope that she will or can also share that process of getting out of the hole. Even if she can't just knowing that someone who felt the same way as me came out of it gives me hope. I know my problems, and now Esther's problems, and knowing that there are solutions to those problems gives me hope.
If you feel yourself uncomfortably staring at yourself as you read about Esther, I strongly encourage you to talk to someone, and don't ignore those feelings or put them off. They are real and they are valid.
I think there is something really personal about this novel, and like you said, Plath really captures mental illness quite well. I think honestly it's scary to read this book, because in a lot of ways even without mental illness a lot of Esther's overachiever-y-ness is recognizable. But it's going to take a dark turn and this reliability scares me right now.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I appreciate you talking about mental health, suicide, and the importance of reaching out. You make a great point about the value of books. Reading an author depicting coming of age in a relatable way is both comforting and educational. I love when literature introduces me to new ways to grow up. I hope we can have some productive class discussions about plath and depression
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of guts to be open about mental illness. For that, I commend Plath and especially you. When I was younger, I wanted to believe mental illness was a lie -- like one of those childhood horror stories that'd go around to get kids to behave. Thankfully, I'm a lot more aware and understanding than I was then. Looking at Esther's account, it does remind a bit of a horror story -- she has no idea what's happening to her but all she know's is that it's getting worse. I think having books like this out in the public world is scary but a well-needed learning opportunity.
ReplyDeletePlath's novel gives readers a very personal view of what depression feels like, which can be uncomfortable or even frightening. Even though it's not exactly fun to read, it's really important to understand how mental illness works because it's way more complicated than people think. Depression is a real illness, so you can't just tell someone with depression to "cheer up" or "snap out of it". It's often difficult to understand a condition that you haven't personally experienced, but that's why writing is so essential. Through reading Plath and other texts about mental illness, readers can be more compassionate and understanding.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thank you for writing this post. You are very brave, and as you can probably tell by the comments, not alone in your thoughts about this book. I am eternally grateful for "The Bell Jar" because I think it helps people understand what it's like to have depression, while validating those who suffer from it. I have no doubt that, if everyone in the world read it, mental health and socio-emotional wellbeing would be more of a priority everywhere.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how scary it is to be this open. Thank you for that. You make a really good point about how validating it can be to learn that other people understand your emotions and experiences. Solidarity is so important and helping people to understand your experiences by writing about them or otherwise is a great way to create it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I'm sure it wasn't easy but I really appreciate your openness. I think Plath does a really good job of portraying her experience with depression in a realistic way that shows some really important aspects of mental illness such as the image of the bell jar always hovering over Esther, showing that her depression is not something that is going to be immediately cured as soon as she leaves the hospital and goes back to her college.
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